in society, no matter how hard i fear my position won't be secured, as long as i jump through the hoops and show my obedience to the system, my conformity, then i am rewarded. that is where the true struggle lies for me because conforming to those standards means to forsake myself and forget about everything that helps me be who i uniquely am. i forfeit my strengths and learn vulnerability, not the humble type, but that one which leaves you deeply insecure and constantly questioning your place in life. is it a small price to pay for being able to participate in society's games? i don't know, that's what i'm constantly grieved about. my point is that being able to function within this society, means deep dysfunction within myself.
when it comes to matters of judgment, i know it's not going to be half as easy to live a life of righteousness, one pleasing to God. i know i can't just jump through the hoops and guarantee my superficial position in the eyes of others, but i need to live with strong conviction in my heart, with a real unconditional love for others, that i struggle to find. all of my personal burdens weigh me down. it isn't any excuse, but i know that holding onto all this baggage only turns me selfishly inwards and away from any chance at giving or receiving true love and fellowship within others. for me, like the way that society convinces me, as long as i can jump through the hoops, i can pretend for long enough that i am saved, but i still live with a knowing deep down that i am condemned, and will be judged accordingly. i keep praying for help, begging, even throwing tantrums, but it almost feels of no use; my heart has blackened to charcoal and the defenses i put in place try to prevent even Jesus from knowing me. i just keep living out my mundane life, trawling through the muck of sinners, hoping a saint will finally reach their hand out to me, like lazarus begged the poor beggar, to help save him. i know i can only receive that salvation through Jesus, but if i keep hiding myself from him, like Adam did God, then when will i ever know true salvation and release from these chains that bind me to a profane existence in flesh? i admit these things, not in an attempt to forsake God, but to reveal the extent of damage my soul has suffered. i will keep pursuing Him and giving Him glory regardless. look at how i have strayed. i beg for forgiveness. Jesus have mercy on my soul.