why worry over anything...
i think it's best when my mind is clear and not stressed out, but that seems so rare nowadays. i think i wanted this life only to cope with how bad everything was around me, but now things just keep getting worse and worse, and all that can seemingly be done, is knee jerk reactions, like i'm just supposed to be an ape panicking, using a single brain cell to survive. i'm really tired of it, and i just want to live life on my own terms now.
maybe even this decision is just a knee jerk reaction, and it's not going to become a sustainable solution because stress is apart of the human condition, but i also think about how overwhelming and consuming this stress is, a rotten poison decaying my rational mind, how i haven't had my mind to myself in a long time, how i just feel so far gone and dissociated completely from my core being. i don't have a real answer for myself because i can't even think for myself anymore. i don't even know what i want out of my life anymore, i've just had to stop all critical thinking to prevent myself from being able to really perceive how bad it all is. it's like i'm trying to force myself to not think and turn myself into an ape, and avoid the fact that all of this is intentional because of the traumatically stressful circumstances i find myself in, and not wanting to be able to fully process the severity and devastation of it.
maybe i'm not really looking for a solution, but a way to grow above this and to worry about more important things that matter to me and represent who i actually am. maybe none of this matters, and i'll die tomorrow. if so, i'd want to at least die knowing i did my best and tried for myself, instead of letting my circumstances overwhelm me completely and define me. i would have pride in that conclusion alone.