i believe that through trying to use the internet to escape sad realities, you have given yourself psychosis. i don't blame you, i only recognize it because it happened to me too. i urge you to treat yourself well, not in le "mentlel health" way, but just try to not make yourself feel shameful about any of this because you've already suffered a lot. if it's worth anything, you still have your intuition to help guide you, which at the very least, won't hurt you like people will. maybe you understand, maybe you don't. i Wish you the best.